Wednesday, May 4, 2011

What to say?

So a typical but annoying conversation this morning with my doctor, who acted excited about our adoption and then said the dreaded, “Well, you know what’s going to happen now!  You’ve let it go, so now you’re going to get pregnant!”.  As I was in stirrups at the moment, my options were to:
1.       Smile awkwardly.
2.       Slam her head between my knees. 
Since I’m not writing this from jail, I chose the former.  I did debate the latter, and wondered what the chances of getting an infertile judge would be, who would listen to the story and immediately order her to pay damages to me. 
I never really know what to say to that comment, though.  Is it really my ultimate goal to “let it go”?  I don’t think I will ever “let it go”, and that’s okay.  It’s part of the journey, part of our lives, and will never really leave me.  It does get easier every day—especially since we have been on The List.  And I think that it has made me a more compassionate, forgiving and less judgmental person all around.  But Mother’s Day kind of gets me down, so the doc was playing a bit of Infertility Roulette this morning, although she clearly had no idea.  And someday this entire process will be a memory, I do have faith in that.  However, the phrase “If memory serves…” is very true; memories do serve, they serve to remind us of what we have survived, how to act in the face of loss and grief, and things to say that are helpful and kind.  I’m certainly not perfect, and I’m sure I’ve said all sorts of things to people over the years that were thoughtless at best.  And I hope I do better going forward.
As far as the thought that pregnancy is preferable to adoption—well, that is a post for another day.
So as a pick-me-up, I watched a video of Bizkit the Sleepwalking Dog--if you haven’t seen him before, definitely check him out.  He runs in his sleep—no, really, he needs to wear a helmet when he naps.  When you need a little boost, type Bizkit the Sleepwalking Dog into YouTube.  Seriously. 


  1. Oh no, what a TERRIBLE conversation! Have you met Amanda over at Watershed? She had a similar horrible experience last week:


    There's no way around it - mothers' day is awful before you are one. I was reading some old stuff yesterday, and while I'm sharing links, here's one that I think hits the nail on the head:

    On a not-at-all horrible note, THANK YOU for sharing bizkit! I laughed out loud.

  2. That video is HILARIOUS! Yes, Mother's Day is an unfortunate torture day for us IF's. It is agony for me, and I'm dreading it, especially since it will be my sister-in-law's first Mother's Day.

    I honestly don't think that fertile people out there realize how painful this actually is for us. It's awkward and uncomfortable, and they don't know what to say, so they resort to stupidities like what your doctor said. Somebody at church said that exact same thing to me about adoption curing my IF. I was so fed up, I just responded, "I highly doubt signing up for an adoption is going to make my ovaries unwither and suddenly wake up and produce eggs again. Call me crazy, though! I'd rather look forward."

    Also, I don't think the pain will ever fully go away. Loss of the possibility of having a bio child (and miscarriage, if you had any) is a REAL loss that needs to be mourned, and it's something that can't magically be cured by adopting. People don't understand this!!! It probably does make it a little easier to be happy for other pregnant women, though, when you will have your adopted child in your arms.

    Watch this video for a laugh:

  3. I struggle with that comment a lot too. It's amazing how often people say it. Almost as if they need to make me feel better. I find myself assuring people I'm happy about our adoption. It's a very strange feeling.

  4. Oh, wow, I'm really sorry. The funny thing to me is that is always assumed it's in the woman's head. And half the time it isn't even the woman. I guess your doc had your medical history, but still.

  5. People have said the same thing to me, when I mention that you're adopting. I never know how to respond.
    Amy x

  6. I have a long, long post addressing this same issue. I got so tired of hearing that from family and friends. It's very frustrating. Sometimes I don't think people realize what infertility really is or that a pregnancy would also hold up our adoptions. There are so many factors involved. Your feelings are SO normal. It's hard when it feels like pregnancy is the "better" choice in peoples eyes.

  7. Ok, so after reading your comment on my blog I had to come over to read the post. And burst out laughing at the image of slamming her between your legs. I wonder what my commenters would have made of that visual? Did you notice I had a few haters who thought I didn't give crazy nurse practioner enough grace ON MY OWN BLOG? Um? I didn't pull her nose hair or hold her head in the death grip between my I'm pretty sure I gave her enough grace!

    I agree with a commenter above - it is so infuriating that society, and even medical professionals, seem to view infertility as something "in our heads." If we just "relax and adopt" oh, then my husband's sp.erm morphology will correct itself and I'll just, ooops!, start ovulating. soooo easy. You know, if I'd just "relax." UGH.

    Mother's day is hard. I have had many hard mother's days. And all I can say is that it's a distant memory once you have a child in your home. In fact, life becomes so busy that you actually end up not celebrating or even remembering holidays like mother's day. What a paradox huh? Stay strong this Sunday.

  8. It's just plain insensitive. And so, so common. I still don't have a good response--when I have one I will pass it along!

  9. Gah I get it all the time. ALL THE TIME. I look at them and say: well that would be terrible. Because these are my babies and two is more than enough for me. GAH.

  10. Did you make it through Mother's Day in one piece? You were in my thoughts :)